Finding Out

I had a follow up with my doctor at 16 weeks pregnant for results from by blood work.  When the nurse called me she explained the the results came out positive for Open Spina-Bifida but it was probably nothing and the test is probably incorrect.  She set a an appointment with a specialist for a Sonogram.  The following week I had my mom and one of my tia's go with me to this appointment because for some reason in my heart I felt something was weird and in the beginning I thought I might be having twins or something.  Well thank God I had someone there. I don't know what I would have done without them.  The Sono-grapher took about an hour doing the ultrasound and kept taking notes.  I kept asking if everything was okay but she wouldn't answer, can you imagine being in suspense when someone right in front of you knows and all they can say is, "You have to wait for the Doctor."  Anyways 30 minutes after she walks out of the room the Doctor walks in and says, "Would you like to know the sex of your you baby?  Its a Boy.  But your baby has spina-bifida myelomeningocele and hydrocephelus.  He will not be mobile what so ever, he will have bladder and bowel problems, and he will be mentally retarded due to the fluid collecting in his brain.  We also will have to keep track of his feet to see if they will be clubbed, as of right now they a growing correctly.  Would you like to terminate the pregnancy?"
Uh..... No! I couldn't believe that I was asked that.  I was in shock.  I can't just get rid of my baby!  What am I suppose to do?  How could this happen to me?  What did I do wrong?  Can this be fixed?  How did this happen?  The same questions overs and overs running through my brain.  I called my husband and it sounded as if his heart broke.  All I heard were the same questions that were running through my brain running through his.  He starting thinking and asking himself if it was his fault.  My mom and tia's were all in shock as well and we didn't know what to do.  My mom even blamed herself.  How could this happen?  Not us!! Why us?  What did we do?? It was so depressing, I couldn't stop thinking about all the pain my baby would go through in this cruel world.  I didn't know if I would be a good mom for him.  I was Scared!  I still feel that in my gut, Scared!  It is hard being a parent of a disabled child.  Why didn't I even know what it was!!!!!  Why? Why? Why? Why have I never heard the word Spina Bifida???  The following 3 weeks were the worst ever!! I was constantly getting asked to terminate the pregnancy, but praise God I didn't give in.  I love baby Luke so much it's unexplainable same with my other two boys.  I would give up my life for them they are my ANGELS.